The Joys Of Fatherhood
by Rockinmuffin
Summary: Yami messes with shadow magic and Ryou transforms into a child. It's up to Bakura to watch over him until he changes back. Chaos ensues. DISCONTINUED.
1. Chapter 1

**The Joys Of Fatherhood**

This is dedicated to my friend Andyouthinkimcrazy, 'cuz I wuvs her! xD And, OMG, it's shounen ai! O.O The world as we know it has come to an end! AHHHHHHHHH! Lol. But seriously, she wrote a non-yaoi fic dedicated to me so I guess the least I could do is write a shounen ai fic for her. And if you like yaoi then read Andyouthinkimcrazy's stories. They're good. Read them. READ THEM NOW! Ahem, after you read this fic, of course.

…RYOU X BAKURA HAWT-NESS FOREVER! xD

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters or even the idea for this story; that's all thanks to Kazuki Takahashi and Andyouthinkimcrazy. Even the pharaoh's letter was written by Andyouthinkimcrazy, with just a few tweaks to make it fit better in the story. In fact, I own nothing… except your mom… all night long. xD And yes, that statement was _intended_ to traumatize you.

WARNING: Shounen ai (duh), some language, author's first attempt at fluff between boys, probably some OOCness, Atemu's sore loser-ness and emo-ness, a bit of Yami-bashing (because he's probably the most fun to make fun of besides Kaiba), and Bakura's slight pedophilic tendencies… O.o

* * *

Bakura casually swung the front door open as he stepped inside the apartment he shared with his light, whistling a tune that somewhat resembled "Funky Town." Bakura was in an uncharacteristically good mood, which usually meant that some poor mortal was now suffering in the realm of eternal darkness, but as long as Bakura was satisfied…

Deciding that he should share his happiness with his light, Bakura smirked as he soon found himself standing in front of Ryou's bedroom door. Bakura slowly pushed the door open to his light's room, the former tomb robber's eyes shining with devilish intent as he spotted the bump hiding beneath the covers in the queen-sized bed.

Bakura's already large smirk grew as he silently tip-toed until he stood right at Ryou's bedside. He stared down at the large bump coming from under the sheets, preparing for his attack. Suddenly, with inhuman speed, Bakura pulled back the sheets, expecting to see his light's annoyed expression staring back at him.

Instead, he found a pair of wide, innocent, child-like eyes staring back at him in confusion. Where Ryou _should_ have been, was a small boy, nearly identical to Ryou in every way with the exception of his smaller-than-average body.

"What… the… HELL!"

* * *

-----

_**Dear Tomb Robber,  
**_

**_  
You must have guessed by now that there's something different about Ryou. Well I must say that's it's my fault. I've been playing with Shadow Magic a little and the spell I had cast affected Ryou. For one week he'll be completely childish.  
_**

**_  
I doubt that you should do your normal activities, Tomb Robber; you'll terrify him if you come home covered in blood and I don't think he'll understand sexual advances. I don't think he even understands the fact that Yugi and I are like the two of you; he thinks we're brothers.  
_**

**_  
I'm warning you though; don't pressure him into anything he doesn't understand. If you traumatize him I'll send you to the Shadow Realm for the remainder of the week, if not more. Why, you could even think of this as a challenge. Let's see if the Tomb Robber can keep his hands off his childish light.  
_**

**_  
Have a wonderful sexually frustrated week,  
Pharaoh Atemu_**

-----

Bakura read the letter over and over again, but he still couldn't believe it.

The former tomb robber rubbed his temples in annoyance as he stared down at the note. He crumpled up the letter and threw it across the room, all the while wishing that he could do the exact same thing to the stupid pharaoh's fat head.

Bakura felt a light tug on his pant's leg and looked down to see his now miniaturized light staring up at him curiously with those large, childish eyes. Bakura's scowl instantly vanished from his features, quickly being replaced by a genuine smile; at least, as close to a genuine smile that the former tomb robber was humanly capable of.

Bakura sighed breathily as he picked Ryou up by the seat of his pants and set the small boy on his lap. Bakura stroked Ryou's silky hair, causing the boys eyes to flutter shut as he leaned against the elder boy's chest; it was only moments before Ryou drifted off to the realm of dreams.

Bakura stared down at his young light, still stroking the boy's hair as he nuzzled him closer to chest. Tomorrow he was going to have a nice, long talk with the pharaoh, but for now… For now, all Bakura wanted was to rest. Perhaps things would look better in the morning.

Bakura had no idea how wrong he was.

* * *

Bakura's eyes slowly fluttered open as the rays from the sun seeped through the blinds to rest upon his eyelids. His mind was in a comfortable haze, refusing to completely awaken from its peaceful state. After a moment or so, Bakura regained enough sense to realize something was amiss. No, _someone_ was amiss…

Bakura's eyes widened, the absence of his young host enough to wake his brain out of its stupor. "Ryou!" the former tomb robber called out as he jumped up from his spot on the couch, frantically turning his head from left to right in hopes of spotting the boy. He had no such luck.

And that's when he heard it. A loud crash of metal against metal sounded from the kitchen. Bakura's eyes grew to the size of saucers, his mouth hanging open in silent obscenities. "Oh Ra, Ryou!" Bakura screamed as he scampered towards the kitchen, tripping over his feet once or twice in his haste.

In all of Bakura's life and afterlife he had seen some sick things; he'd even witnessed his entire village being thrown into a boiling pot of gold in order to create the Millennium Items when he was a young child. Still, nothing could've prepared Bakura for the sight he was met with.

The kitchen was in complete disarray. Pots and pans were scattered upon the floor, as well as broken shards of glass that were once wine glasses and plates that laid in heaps on the floor from when they'd been thrown. Drawers were opened and pulled from their wooden bases, spilling its contents all over the floor and counters. Forks were shoved inside the plugs on the wall, as well as inside the toaster's slots. A goopy substance that Bakura assumed was once food was smeared against the once-clean walls, displaying poorly-drawn finger-paintings of bunnies and flowers.

And there, in the very center of the chaos, was Ryou, wearing nothing but a colander on his head. He giggled as he playfully smacked a spatula against a large cooking pot, delighting himself in the loud clanging noise it made.

Bakura's eye twitched. It took all the self control he harbored to keep himself from raising his voice. "Ryou, you need to clean up this mess right now" he stated in an eerily calm tone

"No!" Ryou shouted defiantly as he glared up at his Yami. "No, no, no, no, no, no, NO!" Ryou shouted, pounding his spatula against the pot with each word he spoke.

Bakura's head jerked to the side so suddenly and so violently that it caused his neck to make a sickening cracking sound. What little self-control the thief had left was quickly disappearing more and more as he stared down at his defiant little light. Bakura wasn't used to the boy standing up for himself and was confused to see him doing so now in his current state, especially when he was so sweet and quiet just the night before.

The former tomb robber growled in the back of his throat. "Ryou, you know how much I hate repeating myself and I'm only going to say this once more. Clean up this mess. Now!"

Bakura was just barely able to dodge the spatula as it was hurled straight at his head.

"Ryou, NO! Bad boy, BAD! We do not throw things in this house! Now you better apologize or-" Bakura was interrupted by the giant cooking pot that smacked him in the right side of his face, causing the former king of thieves to collapse to the ground next to his light. Ryou giggled and clapped his hands together happily at the funny faces and groaning sounds his yami was making. "I think it's time we paid the pharaoh a little visit…" Bakura trailed off, glaring at his cheerful light while rubbing the side of his face.

* * *

Sweat dripped down the pharaoh's forehead as he carefully studied the playing cards that were in his hands. He slyly glanced up from his own cards to take a peek at his opponent, Yugi, who was smiling cheerfully at his yami. The boy held his own cards carefully, making sure that Atemu didn't take a sneak peek at his hand.

Putting on his best poker face, Atemu studied Yugi, trying to figure out the boy's hand just by watching his face. The former king of Egypt swept his tongue out across his upper lip in concentration as he stared back down at his own cards. Atemu did his best to calm down, assuring himself that the heart of the cards wouldn't let him down and would lead him to victory.

Atemu smirked. "Got any threes?"

"Nope, go fish!" Yugi said as he smiled back at his darkness.

Atemu's eyebrow twitched. "Oh no… I… I failed. The heart of the cards has failed me! No, I FAILED THE HEART OF THE CARDS! I'M A FAILURE! Oh, woe to the woman that gave birth to this lowly failure of a man! I'm the almighty pharaoh yet I could do nothing as this mere child defeated and outwitted me so easily! Oh, the shame, the humiliation! I deserve to be banished to the deepest, darkest pits of the Shadow Realm! I DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE!" Atemu ended the statement by banging his head against the ground with a loud thud, not even bothering to pick himself back up.

Yugi sighed. "Pharaoh, it's just go fish…" he trailed off, though he knew it wouldn't do any good. His drama queen of a yami always got like this whenever he lost a game. Yugi almost felt sorry for his dark counterpart; it had been so long since he had been able to play a game without the fate of the world riding on the winner.

The sound of the bell that hung on the game store's entrance ringing startled Yugi out of his thoughts. He looked to the side of the building where the store's entrance was located which was only separated from where he currently was by a thin wall and a poorly constructed door. "Come on Pharaoh; it sounds like we have a customer."

Yugi turned towards where his yami was to see that he wasn't there. Instead, the elder boy had managed to crawl from his spot on the floor and now stood in front of the fish tank, his head dunked into the tank in an attempt to drown himself. Yugi would've been worried under normal circumstances, but it wasn't the first time Atemu had done it after losing a game. He was such a sore loser.

"On second thought, I'll handle the customer by myself. Just make sure you get your head out of the tank soon; you're scaring the fish."

Yugi quickly slipped out through the door that led to behind the counter in the front of the game store. He smiled as he recognized the man that stood in front of him, glaring as he impatiently tapped his foot. "It's good to see you again, Bakura." Yugi's smile faltered for a moment as he saw the young boy twisting around in Bakura's arms, trying to bite the man's fingers off, but the smile soon returned even stronger than before. "I see you brought a friend with you."

Bakura huffed. "Take me to the idiot pharaoh. I need to have a word with him."

Yugi nodded his head with a sigh, then showed Bakura back to the room he and his yami had been playing cards in just moments before. Sure enough, the pharaoh was there, his head still shamefully dunked in the fish tank.

Yugi's eyes widened slightly. He hadn't realized that Atemu could hold his breath for that long… Yugi slowly approached his yami. "Pharaoh, are you okay?" the younger boy asked, tapping Atemu on the shoulder.

Atemu suddenly jerked his head out of the water, his dampened hair splashing Yugi in the face, drenching the boy to the bone and forcing the boy to wring his hair dry. Atemu, on the other hand, didn't even bother to dry himself off, his wet bans hanging over his eyes. He glared menacingly up at Bakura, pointing an accusatory finger at him. "YOU!" he shouted. "What is it that you want, you fiend!"

Bakura's eyebrow twitched. "What do you think I want, _Pharaoh_" Bakura stated in a mocking tone. "I want you to change my host from this evil heathen child back to the innocent young man he was!" For emphasis, Bakura extended his arms and held Ryou out in front of the pharaoh's face. Ryou gave up on his task of trying to eat Bakura's fingers in favor of pulling at Atemu's bangs.

Atemu ignored the young boy, keeping his glare settled on the thief's form. "I already told you, tomb robber, the spell I had cast lasts for an entire week; maybe even longer. If I could change him back right away then I would've done it by now. If you want Ryou back to his original form then you're going to have to wait for an entire week." Atemu winced as Bakura let go of Ryou; the only thing keeping the boy from falling to the ground was his tight hold on the former pharaoh's hair.

Yugi quickly stepped in, grabbing a hold of Ryou and carefully prying Atemu's bangs away from the child's harsh grip. He then turned towards Bakura. "Atemu and I are really sorry about what happened to Ryou; it was an accident! Ryou had come over to visit us and Atemu was messing around with his spell book, even though I told him not to." Yugi paused, sending Atemu a disappointed look and causing the yami to look down at the ground and shuffle his feet like a scolded child. "Atemu must've accidentally activated one of the spells and cast it on Ryou."

Bakura growled in the back of his throat. "What am I supposed to do about him?" Bakura asked, pointing to the squirming boy in Yugi's arms. "I don't know the first thing about kids."

"We'll help you watch Ryou!" Yugi stated cheerfully, causing his yami to give him a wide-eyed look. "It's the least we can do. After all, this is all Atemu's fault!" Yugi exclaimed, his smile never faltering.

Atemu sweat-dropped. "Do you have to say it like that, Aibou?"

Yugi ignored him. "We should probably take Ryou somewhere where he can burn off all this extra energy" Yugi laughed as Ryou kept trying to jump out of his arms. "Would you like that, Ryou? Would you like to go to the park and play?" Yugi smiled down at Ryou as he giggled and clapped his hands together in excitement. "Then it's settled; we're going to take Ryou to the park." And with that, Yugi stepped out of the house with Ryou bouncing with joy in his arms.

Both of the dark spirits watched as the young hikari skipped off. Bakura turned towards Atemu. "Well, he's certainly a bossy little snot."

"…I love it when he gets all dominant like that…" Atemu mumbled, staring after Yugi with a dreamy look in his eyes.

Bakura rolled his eyes and followed after the pharaoh's light before he could learn any more disturbing secrets about the pharaoh's personal life. Atemu walked dazedly behind him.

* * *

Bakura sat on the bench, lazily watching Ryou as he played in the sandbox with a few other kids. One of the little girls had built a sand castle and Ryou wasted no time in knocking it down. Bakura couldn't help but chuckle as the girl ran away crying. Who would've thought that his sweet, innocent hikari was such a bully when he was little? Bakura was so proud he almost cried.

Bakura's good mood instantly diminished as he caught sight of his not-so-favorite people. The mere mention of their names alone was enough to make him feel nauseous. The pharaoh's friends; Jonouchi, Honda, and Anzu.

Bakura groaned as the three stooges spotted the young tri-color-haired boy that just happened to be sitting beside him. Yugi, on the other hand, was absolutely ecstatic to see the three and waved them over exuberantly.

The three friends smiled as they approached their young friend, greeting him with friendly faces and excited hugs-- well, Anzu hugged him, Jonouchi and Honda just gave him an awkward man-handshake. (Men can be so stupid.)

Bakura rolled hi eyes, turning back towards the sandbox just in time to see Ryou throw sand in some little boy's eyes before stealing his plastic shovel and hitting him over the head with it. Bakura chuckled darkly. "That's my boy."

The chuckling soon ceased once Ryou walked over to Bakura and smacked him in the ankle with his shovel.

Bakura jumped up, gripping his ankle as he hopped up and down on his leg that wasn't injured. "Why you little-- I'll kill you!" he shouted, his face red with unadulterated rage. Ryou's eyes widened and he quickly ran behind Yugi's legs for protection.

"Be nice, Bakura" Yugi chastised as he picked up Ryou and rocked the boy back and forth in a calm, soothing motion. "He's just a little kid; he doesn't know any better. Besides, who could stay mad at that face?" Yugi nearly squealed, rubbing his nose against Ryou's cheek and causing the small boy to giggle in glee.

Bakura was about to answer that _he_ was _very_ capable of staying mad at a face like that, no matter how cute it may be, when Anzu interrupted him. "Is… Is that Bakura's _son_!" she nearly shrieked in horror. The thought of having another psychotic, sadistic fiend running around committing crimes and sending people to the Shadow Realm was enough to send a shiver down the poor girl's spine.

Bakura got an indignant look. "Oh puh-lease! Since I've gotten my own body, the only person I've slept with is Ryou!"

Silence.

"Ryou's a chick!" Jonouchi and Honda screamed out at the same time, shocked expressions adorning their faces.

More silence.

"Idiots" Anzu muttered, rubbing her temples in annoyance.

Bakura twitched. "No, Ryou's not a woman" he stated in a dull tone. "And if you want to know who the kid is, why don't you ask the pharaoh? I'm sure he'd love to fill you in with the details." Bakura ended the statement by crossing his arms and glaring at anyone that dared to even look at him.

"Hey, where is da pharaoh?" Jonouchi questioned, turning his head from side to side, scanning the area of the park nearby for any traces of Atemu. He found none.

"Where could he be?" Yugi questioned aloud, placing a finer over his chin in thought, using his other hand to hold Ryou against his chest. He closed his eyes in thought, then used his mind link with the dark spirit to gain contact with Atemu in hopes that he'd be able to discover the location of the former pharaoh. Yugi sighed as he opened his eyes. "Not again" he muttered.

"What is it, Yugi? Where's the pharaoh?" Anzu asked, a concerned expression gracing her features.

"You don't want to know" Yugi stated simply. "Let's go get ice cream! Bakura and I will explain about the kid there" he said, changing the subject.

Bakura was about to question the boy on the whereabouts of the pharaoh, but decided that ice cream was more important than the pharaoh any day.

* * *

Meanwhile…

"You know, I'm the Duel Monsters champion" Atemu stated with a smirk as he approached two girls that were sitting on a bench, talking animatedly. They both looked up at him, giving him puzzled stares. He sat between them, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. "I even beat the creator at his own game, in the Shadow Realm no less!"

Both the girls blinked. "Um, what's Duel Monsters?" asked the first girl, a confused look on her face. Atemu's smug look faltered slightly.

"I know that game" stated the second girl. Atemu smiled. "It's this dorky little card game. My five-year-old brother plays it."

"Oh yeah!" That's the game all the nerds play during lunch! Wow, you're the champion so you must be the biggest loser ever!" stated the first girl, turning towards Atemu.

"Yeah, and you're probably a virgin too!" said the second girl in a way too cheerful tone.

"Hey, I am not! I've had sex plenty of times…" Atemu drawled off, not really sure of what else to say.

"And who did your hair? That has to be the saddest excuse for a hairdo I've ever seen! It's more like a hair-don't! It looks like you just woke up in the morning, poured gasoline over your head, and threw a lit match onto it! And how much hairspray did you use to hold up that thing! You and your hair alone could destroy what's left of the ozone layer within a year. And who are you trying to fool? Your hair is _so_ not natural. It's, like, three different colors! Sheesh!"

"My hair's not that bad" Atemu whined, tears starting to well up in his eyes.

"And why are you so short?" started the second girl. "Aren't you in high school? Man, that's sad. I have a teddy bear at my house that's bigger than you."

"Y-you're mean!" Atemu shouted, the tears spilling out from his eyes. "I hate you! I'm going home!" Atemu ran off screaming, crying like a little girl.

Both girls watched as he ran off. As soon as he was out of view they both turned back towards each other.

"So, who's next on our list of famous people to make fun of until they cry?" asked the second girl.

"Seto Kaiba." Both girls smirked, then got up from their spots on the bench and walked away.

* * *

"So, let me get this straight… The pharaoh accidentally cast a spell that turned Ryou into a little kid and now he'll be stuck like this for at least a week?" Honda questioned before scooping up a piece of his banana split and eating it.

Yugi nodded. "I feel so guilty; it's all my fault. I should've taken the book away from Atemu as soon as I found it, then none of this would've ever happened" Yugi stated with a n uncharacteristically gloomy look on his face. His expression lightened up a bit as he saw Ryou eating his ice cream messily, getting ice cream all over his shirt, cheeks, and chin.

"Don't blame yourself. It's not your fault that the pharaoh is an irresponsible moron" Bakura stated, his mouth full of a spoonful of chocolate ice cream. The former tomb robber was having trouble keeping the ice cream from getting all over the place and almost made as big a mess as his hikari.

Yugi sighed. "I still feel bad though. If you want, I can stay with you for the week to look after Ryou until he's back to normal again. It would make me feel better."

Bakura considered the idea. After all, he knew very little about children and Ryou had already proved countless times that he was a formidable foe and was not one to be underestimated. Bakura would be lucky if he survived the night, let alone the remainder of the week. Besides, Bakura didn't want to even _think_ about changing diapers…

On the other hand, if he accepted Yugi's assistance then he would be admitting that this was a situation that he couldn't handle. He was a criminal mastermind; he had robbed the booby-trapped tombs of ancient pharaohs, sent countless souls into the realm of shadows, and had nearly brought a reign of eternal darkness over the entire world, yet he couldn't even handle taking care of a toddler? How pitiful.

Bakura weighed his options, considering the pros and cons, and finally came to a decision. He'd accept Yugi's help; he told himself he didn't need any help, he was just exploiting the naïve boy's kindness and using it to his advantage.

"Fine, you can spend the night and help if it will stop you from whining" Bakura muttered, taking another large bite of his ice cream.

Yugi smiled. "Great! I'll be sure to tell Atemu! He and I will go back to the house later and pack up with enough clothes for the week!" Yugi stood up and started skipping out of the building.

Bakura's eyes widened to the size of saucers. "I didn't say the pharaoh could sleep in my house!" he shouted, but it was too late; Yugi was already gone. "This is just great…" Bakura moaned sarcastically, then slammed his head repeatedly against the tabletop.

Ryou, who was now sitting comfortably in Anzu's lap, giggled happily and bounced up and down on the girl's lap in excitement as he watched Bakura.

"Uh, Bakura… You gonna be okay?" Jonouchi asked, raising an eyebrow. All Honda and Anzu could do was sit there and stare at the white-haired fiend who, despite Jonouchi's question, hadn't faltered in his head-banging.

"Just set the baby down and go away…" the former thief king mumbled, his words being slightly muffled from the tabletop's surface being pressed against his lips every two seconds from his constant banging.

The three friends sent Ryou a worried glance, not quite sure if they should leave the baby alone with the mentally unstable man, but set him down on one of the chairs nonetheless. They walked towards the exit and set Ryou one more concerned look before leaving, lest they face Bakura's wrath.

Bakura sighed, lifting his head up from the table to stare Ryou in the eyes. "Something tells me this is going to be a long week." As if in response to Bakura's statement, Ryou knocked one of the leftover ice creams bowls that was filled with melted ice cream onto the floor, then looked up at Bakura with a smile. Bakura growled, massaging his temples in an attempt to calm his nerves. "Yes, a _very_ long week."

* * *

Yes, that was chapter one of Andyouthinkimcrazy's present! That's right, _chapter_! As in, _there will be more!_ This was originally just supposed to be a one-shot, but there's just too much I can do with this story that won't fit within a single chapter. I've never done Shounen ai before (though there really wasn't any of that in this chappy) and I guess I'm embracing my inner yaoi fangirl right now. xD

Lisa-chan, sorry if this isn't exactly what you pictured when you gave me the idea. It's just… once my mind finally started working it started creating weird ideas, like drama queen Atemu and bratty Ryou. Well, I hope you like it anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

**The Joys Of Fatherhood**

Mwahahaha! Here's chapter two! I want to thank everyone who reviewed this story. I couldn't believe it even got over five reviews! YAY! You guys are all so wonderful! It's people like you that make writing worth all the head trauma I go through from banging my head against the wall whenever I get writer's block. xD

And I have a few surprises in store for you all in this chapter… And by surprises, I mean more strange things that I find to be much more amusing than they should be. MWAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeah… The real surprises won't come until, well… some other chapter.

And, of course, just a reminder that this story is STILL dedicated to Andyouthinkimcrazy, even though this isn't exactly what she wanted… MWA! I'm so evil! But don't worry dearie, I'll try to put some boy love in this story… eventually. (Insert maniacal laughter, thunder, and lightning here)

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Yugioh or the idea for this story. Those things belong to cooler people than me. I just own the weird little details to the story and my own writing style and horrible sense of humor.

WARNING: Shounen ai, more Atemu-bashing, minimal Kaiba-bashing, lime gelatin, a brief mentioning of Kaibas loins, Oprah Winfrey, cheese attack, naked chibi-ness, and probably some more stuff that I just can't think of right now.

* * *

After Bakura had grabbed Ryou and slipped out of the ice cream shop before the owners could force him to clean up the spilled ice cream, he went home to prepare for Yugi's and the Pharaoh's arrival.

And by prepare… The authoress means that he used his spare time to think up ways to make Atemu's life a living hell, but hey, what's new?

Meanwhile, Ryou was creating some mischief of his own…

The young white-haired toddler giggled to himself as he pulled and pulled at the toilet paper roll until all the white toilet paper was gathered on the ground in a large pile, leaving nothing behind but a brown cardboard tube. Now that Ryou's temporary source of fun was gone he needed to find a way to dispose of the white tissuey paper.

Ryou looked towards the porcelain toilet, the toilet paper, then the toilet again. A devious smirk that could've rivaled Bakura's crept its way over his features. The boy giggled again as he started unloading all the soft white tissuey material inside the bowl. With a smile, the young boy flushed the toilet, watching in awe as the paper slowly started to twirl and go down the drain.

…And his awe only increased when the toilet refused to flush all the paper and it started to come back up, along with more water than was originally used to flush the paper.

"Uh-oh" Ryou muttered to himself as water started to overflow from the porcelain bowl and drip onto the hard tile floor. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all?

Of course, Ryou forgot all about that once he spotted all the bright, colorful bottles of chemicals under the sink. "Ooooooh, pwetty coluhs…"

* * *

"Hmm… While the pharaoh's sleeping, maybe I can put his hand in a glass of warm water… Or put shaving cream in his hand then tickle his face with a feather so he'll splat himself in the face with shaving cream! Oh yeah, I'm a genius!" Bakura continued celebrating his own intellect as he scribbled away in his notebook, coming up with more brilliant plans that he could humiliate the pharaoh with. "The pharaoh will think twice before coming in my house again, right Ryou?"

But when Bakura looked back to where Ryou _should've_ been, he saw nothing but empty space and a small apple juice stain left in the carpet. Bakura's eye twitched, not just because his hikari was missing but because now there was even more that he had to clean up later. He had still neglected to clean up the disaster area in the kitchen.

"Now where could that boy have run off to?" Bakura set his precious notebook down on his desktop then set off in search for his young light. A crack of light shined from under the bathroom door, piquing Bakura's curiosity. Poor, poor Bakura. Didn't anyone ever tell him that curiosity killed the cat?

"Ryou?" Bakura called softly as he slowly opened the bathroom door, the rusted hinges creating an eerie creak. The former tomb robber's eyes widened as they were met with the sight before him; the toilet was overflowing above the rim and ungracefully splashing onto the wet floor. Bakura looked to the side in search of Ryou and found him sitting in the corner. The boy had just successfully opened up a bottle of green toilet cleaner and was about to chug it down when Bakura quickly rushed over to him and pulled the bottle out of his grasp.

"Child-proof lids my ass" Bakura muttered as he set the bottle down on top of the sink, out of Ryou's reach, and pulled Ryou up into his arms. Ignoring the young boy's struggling efforts to escape, Bakura stepped out of the bathroom door and closed it behind them. "The pharaoh and his light shall be in for a big surprise when they get here" Bakura muttered to himself as he trudged back towards the living room to prepare for Yugi and Atemu's arrival. As if in response, water slowly started to seep through the open space between the bottom of the door and the floor, puddles starting to form on the hallway's linoleum floor.

* * *

"Wait, Aibou, stay away from that door!"

"Atemu, it's just a door…" Yugi trailed off, his hand only centimeters away from the handle.

"Yugi, you don't understand! I sense an evil presence coming from inside that house. Behind that door is an unspeakable evil with plans for world domination that the likes of this world has never seen. To open that door would be to unleash the greatest evil you could ever imagine upon all of mankind. No one shall be safe from this hell festival of death; men, women, even children shall fall at the hands of this evil wrath of darkness and despair! Even I, the all powerful pharaoh, fear what shall become of this poor insignificant planet if you were to open that door and release such darkness upon the world."

"…Atemu, you're just upset because the last time we opened Bakura's door a bucket of oatmeal fell on your head."

"It took me three weeks to get that oatmeal smell out of my hair! THREE WEEKS! That is _not_ healthy hair care!" Atemu crossed his arms, pouting, as Yugi merely rolled his eyes.

"You're just paranoid" Yugi muttered as he lightly knocked on the door. Atemu looked at the door with widened eyes, subconsciously holding his breath in preparation for one of the tomb robber's evil schemes. Both of the tri-color-haired teens waited. And waited. And waited…

But they received no answer.

Atemu growled impatiently, throwing the door open and shouting, "Tomb robber! Get your lazy ass out here or-"

But the former ruler of Egypt was interrupted from his threat as a bucket landed on his head. Atemu froze, not just because of the sudden pain in his head but because of the strange sensation he felt on his scalp. A strange green substance, not quite liquid yet not quite solid, slowly started to drip out of the bucket and slowly slide down the pharaoh's forehead. Atemu lifted his finger to collect a small portion of the strange green goo onto his digit and brought the mysterious substance down to his eye level. He inspected it thoroughly before sticking the goo-covered finger into his mouth. Atemu's eye twitched.

"Lime gelatin. That bastard! The thief knows I hate lime jell-o!"

Yugi sighed, massaging his temple as he did his best to ignore his yami as he started to rant on about the evils of lime gelatin and how it was inferior to all other flavors of gelatin that existed. "Come on, let's go inside and get you cleaned up" Yugi muttered as he hooked his arm with his still-ranting yami and dragged him into the Bakura residence.

* * *

"Well, Pharaoh, looks like you found my surprise I left you" taunted Bakura as he saw Atemu step into the house, a trail of oozy lime jell-o being left behind by each step the former pharaoh took.

Atemu looked up at the tomb robber, growling as a goo-covered bang fell over his eyes and obscured his vision. "I wish one thousand deaths upon you and your evil gelatin dessert of destruction" he muttered, then trudged off towards the bathroom to clean up.

Bakura chuckled, then turned to Yugi with a look of amusement twinkling in his dark mahogany eyes. "He's taking it better than I thought."

Yugi sighed. "Bakura, you really should try to be a little nicer to Atemu. He's been through a lot lately and he already feels bad about what happened to Ryou. That's why he's staying here too; so he can make up for his mistake and help watch over Ryou until the spell wears off."

Bakura turned towards Yugi, his eyes narrowing. "Look, Yugi, I don't owe the idiot pharaoh anything. He and I will never be _friends_. Ever. Maybe I could _try_ being more amiable towards him, but not until he takes his head out of his pompous ass so he can see that the world doesn't revolve around it."

Yugi shook his head disappointedly. "At least I tried…"

"BAAAAAKUUUUURAAAAAAAA!"

Both Yugi and Bakura jumped a foot in the air at that, both of them startled by the sudden shout. Each turned their heads towards the direction that the scream originated from: the bathroom. Yugi gasped and Bakura did all he could to hold back his chuckles as Atemu reentered the room, soaking wet, scowling at Bakura.

Atemu growled, pointing towards Bakura in a threatening manner. "You are pure _evil_! Not only do you command your poorly-tasting and inferior desserts to attack me, but your bathroom as well!" Bakura was about to retort with something clever, but Atemu interrupted him before he got the chance, continuing on with his rant. "There I was, minding my own business as I innocently washed my hands of all jell-o residues, and then… then… that porcelain fiend drooled on the floor that I was walking on and soiled my shoes! IT SOILED THE SHOES OF THE ALMIGHTY PHARAOH! And it got my feet wet! Nobody gets _my _feet wet! I demanded it to cease its evil actions but it deified me and my law as pharaoh! It was even so bold as to drench my clothes with it's drool. So I did the one thing that any mature, self-respecting man would do if he were in my position; I banished the accursed modern-day contraption to the Shadow Realm for disobeying a direct order from its king!" Atemu ended the statement with a self-satisfied smirk towards Bakura, proud that he had been able to thwart one of the thief's evil schemes.

"…You sent my toilet to the Shadow Realm?"

"Yes."

Bakura growled. "You idiot! Why'd you have to do that!"

Atemu smirked. "It pleased me."

"Pharaoh," Yugi started cautiously, not wanting to incur the wrath of the tomb robber or the ancient pharaoh, "It sounds like the toilet was just clogged. Why didn't you just use the plunger to unclog it?"

"What?" Yami stated indignantly. "And soil my beautiful noble hands by doing the work that is better suited for a peasant?" At this, Yami indiscreetly gestured towards Bakura, though the thief noticed the action quite clearly. "As if. Besides, I needed to teach that rebellious latrine a lesson or else all the bathroom appliances would cause a great uproar and riot against me."

Yugi sweat-dropped. "Atemu, sometimes I worry about you."

Everyone's attention was drawn away from Atemu when the group heard a strange noise; it sounded like a juicy, wet smack of the lips. The group all turned towards the direction of the odd sound and gasped in horror at what they saw.

There was Ryou, sitting peacefully on the carpet, thoughtfully chewing a mouthful of lime gelatin that he had picked up from the trail that had been left behind by Atemu. The young boy seemed to be enjoying it, despite the disgusted stares he received from the onlookers.

Yugi was the first to react. "Ryou, put that down this instant! That's dirty!"

"Yeah!" Bakura interjected. "That jell-o was touching the pharaoh's disgusting filth-covered body not long ago. You're eating his germs!"

Atemu huffed indignantly. "Excuse me? I, unlike you, Bakura, shower on a daily basis. If anyone here is filth-covered then it would be you."

"Hey! Just because I haven't showered in over five days doesn't mean that I'm dirty!"

"No, but the fact that you smell like an over-sized gym sock does."

Yugi, deciding it was best if he just stayed out of it, ignored the two ancient spirits in favor of snatching up the now-sticky youngster. He looked down at Ryou carefully, resisting the urge to flinch when the white-haired child reached up and touched his face with sticky fingers covered in green goo and saliva. Yugi laughed nervously, then rushed off towards the kitchen so he could clean off Ryou, and himself, from the bothersome sticky green substance.

But nothing could've prepared the poor boy for the horrific sight he witnessed once he arrived at the disaster area that was once the kitchen.

Yugi opened his mouth and screamed, a high pitched shriek shredding past his lips and through the air, being overheard by anyone within a five mile radius. Not wanting to be outdone, Ryou sucked in as much air as his small lungs could hold and let it all out in a piercing, earsplitting screech.

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

After the ringing in his ears subsided, Bakura chuckled darkly to himself. "Sounds like Yugi found his present."

* * *

Meanwhile, at the illustrious Kaiba abode…

Seto Kaiba was busily typing away at his laptop, working on another top secret gaming prototype for Kaiba Land, when he was interrupted by the annoying 'you got mail' jingle. Sighing, Kaiba saved his work and closed the document, then opened up his e-mail. His eyebrows raised as he saw an e-mail labeled 'Duelist Tournament Invitation.' He found it strange that such an e-mail would come from someone whose username was _IeAtBaBiEs._ (If anyone actually has this username, the authoress hereby apologizes. She just tried to think of a random name.)

He had to admit, his curiosity had been piqued. The only dueling tournament that had ever existed before had been hosted by either himself or Pegasus, and since Pegasus was currently recuperating in the loony bin… Well, the prospect of winning a new Duel Monsters tournament excited Kaiba from the tippy top of his head down to his loins.

Yes, Kaiba was a very passionate man when it came to Duel Monsters.

Not being able to resist any longer, Kaiba double-clicked on the e-mail and opened it, though the sight he was met with was nothing like what he expected. He raised his eyebrows again, this time in confusion as he read out the message on the e-mail.

"_Heh heh, sucker!_ What's that supposed to mean?"

As if to answer his question, the computer shouted out in its computerized, sing-song voice, "You've got a fatal virus! Have a nice day!" The computer screen then went completely blank, all that Kaiba could see on the shiny monitor was a dull black screen that represented all his broken hopes and dreams. Kaiba was about to bash his skull through the monitor screen when something caught his eye; on the once-blank monitor screen appeared a small computerized chibi of himself. What's more, it was dressed in the Domino High school girl uniform. The computerized chbi then started to dance, creating a strange combination of The Macarena and The Funky Chicken.

Kaiba's eyes blazed with the great flames of fury and hatred as he stared at such an injustice just as the mini chibi started to give him a strip tease. "Curse you, _IeAtBaBiEs_,CURSE YOU!" Kaiba then proceeded to break down in tears.

* * *

Ten miles away, in a cozy little apartment, two girls sat in front of their computer screens, snickering to themselves as they watched the computerized chibi of their own creation take off its shirt and swing it over its head.

The girls turned towards each other, smiling wickedly as they imagined what a wreck Seto Kaiba must've been at that moment. Though they were disappointed that they weren't able to witness as the CEO's tears spilt, they satisfied just knowing that they had devastated him.

"So, who's next on the list?" asked the first girl.

The second girl smiled, her devilish features twisting in sadistic delight as she read out the next name on their list of famous people to make fun of until they cry. "Rebecca Hawkins."

Both girls laughed maniacally as they plotted ways to make the eight-year-old girl cry.

* * *

Bakura lounged on the couch lazily flipping through the channels on the idiot box, stopping briefly when he came to "The Oprah Winfrey Show." The white-haired fiend narrowed his eyes and glared darkly at the screen, all the while cursing Oprah to the deepest darkest pits of the Shadow Realm. She was the only one (besides the idiot pharaoh) that stood in his way in his quest to gain absolute power.

"Your time shall come, Ms. Winfrey, your time shall come…" Bakura twiddled his thumbs deviously and sinisterly as he began to devise a plan to defeat Oprah and her awesome power.

"No, Ryou, do _not_ eat the soap! OW! Ryou, don't you throw that toy battle ship at me; it has small hazardous parts not suitable for children under the age of five! AHHHH! MY EYE! You got a piece of battleship in MY EYE! Ryou, you better put down that shampoo bottle if you know what's good for you! NOOOOOOO! NOT THE RUBBER DUCKY! Anything but that! Please, somebody, SAVE ME! Your pharaoh commands you too! Help me Ra! Help me Jesus! Help me Michael Jackson! Michael Jackson, come take the little boy back to Neverland Ranch and save me!"

Bakura's plotting against the all-powerful Oprah Winfrey was interrupted by Atemu's shouts coming from behind the bathroom door. He snickered to himself, feeling a sick sense of pride in the way that his young hikari could so easily torment the pharaoh without even trying. The thought brought tears of joy to the former tomb robber's eyes; or, at least, it would have if he had a soul. Fortunately for Bakura, he sold his soul on eBay to a complete stranger for three easy payments of $19.99!

Meanwhile, Yugi was currently blocking the entrance to the kitchen with police tape. At first, the young boy had tried to clean the kitchen, but gave up when what he _thought_ was a piece of moldy over-expired cheese had attacked him, though, now that he thought about it, it could've been some sort of cheese-covered raccoon or badger. Of course, the last thing Yugi wanted to think about was _how_ the animal (or whatever it was) got covered in cheese in the first place. Then again, Yugi had learned a long time ago that it was better to not question the strange happenings that occurred inside the Bakura abode.

Yugi sighed in relief once he was finally finished taping up the kitchen entrance then he immediately walked into the living room and collapsed on the couch next to Bakura. The wild-haired youth was asleep before his pineapple head hit the lumpy cushions.

Bakura glared at Yugi's unconscious form, irritated by the boy's audacity to fall asleep on _his_ couch of lumpy evil, but soon the corners of the thief king's lips curled into a sinister smirk. He looked down at the boy, wondering just how deep a sleeper he was.

Bakura jabbed Yugi in the ribs with the remote control; the only response he received was a snore.

Oh yes, Yugi was a deep sleeper. Bakura internally giggled in glee at his new discovery. Just because Ryou was temporarily unavailable didn't mean that Bakura had to go a week without sex. Bakura continued to smirk down at the unsuspecting Yugi. He leaned over the small boy's form; so close he could feel the other's calm breathing against his skin. Oh yes, he was going to have some fun tonight…

"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! Ryou! That is _not_ the proper use of a loofa!" came the shrill scream of Atemu from the bathroom. Bakura turned his head just in time to see a butt-naked Ryou chibi burst through the door with Atemu, a loofa sticking out of his left ear, chasing after him. Well, Atemu _was_ chasing after Ryou until he saw Bakura leaning over his poor hikari. Atemu glared fiercely at Bakura, his face turning red in his rage. "Step away from my aibou" Atemu commanded, pulling the loofa out of his ear and pointing it threateningly at his white-haired rival.

Bakura sneered darkly, moving his body closer to Yugi's while keeping eye contact with Atemu. "Oh? And what are you going to do if I don't? Loofa me to death?" Bakura chuckled lightly at his own joke, enjoying the way the pharaoh's eye twitched every few seconds. He also enjoyed how the pharaoh's eyes widened to the size of saucers when he mimicked a pelvic thrust-like movement in Yugi's direction.

Bakura's taunting pelvic thrusts were interrupted as a wet spongy object came in contact with his face; it wasn't a painful sensation, the action just took him by surprise. Bakura stared, flabbergasted, as he looked in shock at the offending weapon in the former pharaoh's hand; the loofa!

"You'll pay for that, Pharaoh!" shrieked Bakura as he got up from his compromising position with Yugi in favor of chasing after Atemu whom was now running down the hallway and screeching like a banshee in fear of hat else the tomb robber might have in store for him.

* * *

Meanwhile, in the slightly more peaceful and slightly less chaotic world of Yugi's dreams…

"Anzu, you're my bestest best friend in the whole wide world!" Yugi squealed as he clomped onto the form of Anzu Mazaki. "Do you think we'll be best friends forever?" Yugi asked, his eyes shining brightly.

"I like kittens" responded the dream-Anzu.(1)

Yugi pouted. "Yes, I like kittens too, but that didn't really answer my question…" he trailed off.

"I can fit a peanut up my nose! Wanna see?"

"Not really, no."

"I can fly! Wheeeeeeeeee!" And with that, Anzu jumped out a second story window and flew away into the sunset.

"Well, that was slightly disturbing" Yugi commented as he watched as Anzu's form slowly faded away.

Yugi suddenly felt a hand on his shoulder. "Not nearly as disturbing as this will be" stated a voice coming from behind him. Yugi turned around and the sight he was met with made him gasp in sheer unadulterated terror.

There, standing before him in a tight mini skirt and a tube top, was Jonouchi. The young man's face was covered heavily in make-up, making him resemble a clown. His legs were covered in so much excess hair that at first-glance Yugi thought Jonouchi was wearing a pair of knee-socks. All in all, though Jonouchi was quite an attractive man, he made for a very ugly woman.

"Hey there, Sailor. Looking for a good time?" Jonouchi spoke seductively, adding a saucy little wink.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

Back in the real world…

Yugi was twitching and flinching on the couch, but Bakura ignored him and went back to studying Oprah so he could discover her secrets and one day steal her magic and power for himself.

Atemu was lying unconscious on the floor from when he ran into the wall while Bakura was chasing him around the house. In fact, he was so out of it that he failed to notice as Ryou, now wearing an over-sized shirt for a nightgown, drew on his face with a permanent marker.

All was now relatively peaceful in the Bakura abode, at least, it was as peaceful as it could possibly be considering the current occupants of the home consisted of a former tomb robber, a former pharaoh of Egypt, a kind boy who was magically transformed into a rotten brat, and a teenage boy whom was currently having nightmares about his friend dressed in drag.

Yes, it was a peaceful time for all.

…Until the doorbell rang.

Bakura growled in annoyance as the accursed "ding-dong" sound of the doorbell interrupted him from his plotting to overthrow Oprah. "Pharaoh, get off your lazy ass and get the door!" he commanded. But the pharaoh did no such thing. "I said get the door, idiot!" The pharaoh still didn't move. Bakura got off the couch and walked to the door, grumbling on his way about idiot pharaohs that were too lazy and conceited to even answer a door.

Bakura swung the door open, prepared to tell whoever it was to buzz off, but was interrupted.

"I need to speak to Atemu, NOW!"

"What the…? Kaiba?"

* * *

Oooooh, cliffhanger! xD What does Kaiba want? Looks like you'll have to wait till next chapter! Yes, I'm evil, and proud of it!

(1) No, I wasn't making fun of Anzu; I actually _like_ Anzu. In fact, I'll probably somehow find a way to give her a larger role in the story despite the fact that this is shounen ai. But for now I needed to use her to be random. x3


End file.
